Breaking
by Caladai
Summary: Sequel to 'Run'. Draco is tired of his most recent habit and has decided to break it.


Disclaimer: Not mine-not the characters, not the song.I wrote it, that's it! Everything else belongs to J.K. Rowling and Linkin Park, respectively. Sequel to 'Run'. This one's my favorite so far. Don't have a clue why, but I really enjoyed writing it. 'twas fun.  
  
Draco's POV  
  
Breaking  
  
Memories consume  
  
Like opening the wound  
  
I'm picking me apart again  
  
You all assume  
  
I'm safe here in my room  
  
(Unless I try to start again)  
  
Harry doesn't think I remember all the things I've done to him. Actually, he's rather correct. I don't remember a lot, but I remember enough to know that it was bad. It was so bad. To have him cower from me the next day, the days following, and the bruises that had blossomed overnight on his beautiful tanned body. It hurt so bad to know that I had done that to him.  
I go to classes and shut myself in my room in any of my spare time. At meals I try my hardest to keep from watching him like I used to. I always leave as quickly as I can. My room is my only salvation. It's the only place that I'm truly safe. Nobody can find me there, and nobody can see what I do in there. Nobody knows what I do.  
  
I don't want to be the one  
  
The battles always choose  
  
'cause inside I realize  
  
That I'm the one confused  
  
I keep asking myself 'Why me?'. I'm not even sure what happened; why I hit Harry. Why I hurt him. I just saw his body and it drove me insane. The sight alone could drive me to blissful lunacy. I wanted him so badly, but he said no. I tried to accept, but my lustful greed would not listen to my heart. My father would be proud that I was so power-hungry and dominating. He would never know, though. He would kill me if he knew that I hadn't scoffed the Potter boy or his friends in God knows how long, let alone dating Harry (and screwing him once). There it is again. Everything seems to come back to that one tortured night. Nothing was the same after that. Harry wouldn't talk to me. He seemed sad for a long time, but the grief then turned to anger and a new fire lit his eyes. It wasn't the fire of love. It was the fire of hatred, and quite frankly, I didn't blame him. It was justified and well deserved, but I wish it didn't have to happen.  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
I don't know why I instigate  
  
And say what I don't mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I know it's not alright  
  
So I'm  
  
Breaking the habit  
  
Tonight  
  
Sometimes I bait Harry like I used to- just to hear his voice, no matter how cold it is. The snide remarks return but my heart is never in it for amusement at his torture. It is only a feeble attempt at curing my own sense of loss. I desperately want to take him in my arms and kiss him and tell him how sorry I am and that I knew I had screwed up and that I love him. I love him so much. But the time for forgiveness has passed and I missed it.  
I can't live with the tortured memories anymore. I'm paler and thinner than before. Dark bruises have appeared beneath my eyes because I barely sleep. I can't. Every time I close my eyes I see him under me, bleeding and broken. This can't go on. I've decided to end it once and for all.  
  
Clutching my cure  
  
I tightly lock the door  
  
I try to catch my breath again  
  
I hurt much more  
  
Than any time before  
  
I had no options left again  
  
I'll paint it on the walls  
  
'cause I'm the one at fault  
  
I'll never fight again  
  
And this is how it ends  
  
For once in my life I was thankful for the holidays and going home. My parents didn't care what I did or where I went. I had a plan all laid out in my head. I only needed two more things. Rummaging through my draws and finally found what I was looking for. A small knife that I had bought once years ago and kept hidden away. The blade was about four inches long and gleaming silver. I tested it with my finger; the blade was still as sharp as when I first bought it. I nodded in appreciation of the craftsmen. Slipping it once more into it's leather sheath I examined the hilt. A snake was wrapped up it with emerald eyes, ruby tongue, and gleaming fangs of some crystalline stone. It had cost me an insane amount of money but it was my one precious token. I had never let anything outweigh its value in my heart until Harry came along. That was when I stowed it away and had never picked it up again-until now. Now it would serve me. It would be the one time I ever used the small blade but that created no sorrow in my heart. It's job was an important one. I actually smiled when I went back to Hogwarts. Everything was perfect. My plan was falling into place. Only one thing was left unattended to.I had transfiguration with Harry today. It was our last class of the day. Tonight was the night. This was my day. My senses were never sharper. I had never felt better.  
I hung back and watched Harry gather his books. Ron came over and they exchanged a few hushed words before Harry waved Ron off. I smiled to myself; Harry had seen my note. We met in the hallway and walked together. "What do you want?" he asked. His voice was tight, strained. I think he was trying to keep from crying.  
"I.I just wanted to talk. Please. I know I screwed up big time and I don't know what happened to me, but I think I'm better now. Will you give me another chance?" Harry stopped and stared at me.  
He grabbed my sleeve and pulled me into an abandoned classroom. Funny how there always seemed to be one nearby when we needed it. I silently thanked whatever deity was watching over is. "Draco, you took everything from me. You hurt me and never showed any signs of remorse. I can't let that happen again. I'm stronger now, so.just leave me alone." I could see in his eyes that he wanted to believe me but wouldn't let himself. He was afraid. I deserved it.  
I hung my head with a resigned sigh. Lifting it again, Harry shifted uncomfortably. I think he wanted to hug me, comfort me like old times, but I knew it was over. This was it, but I had to be certain. "We could never go back, could we? It'll never work again?" I asked softly.  
"No, I don't think it will." I nodded, met his eyes. Those gorgeous green eyes that I had gotten lost in so many times before. Out of impulse I reached for him and hugged him tightly, burring my face in his warm neck. He stiffened and it sent a pang of guilt and sorrow through me.  
I pulled back slightly, just enough to look in his eyes again. "I love you, Harry. I always have and always will. Don't forget that." I whispered and then leaned forward, pressing my lips gently against his. He didn't respond. He just stood stiffly. Tears filled my eyes and I let go of him and ran. I ran all the way back to my room and threw the door shut behind me, securing the lock and then leaning against it. I slid to the floor and sobbed. Tears finally gave way to small shuddering breaths and then I was back to normal. Taking one final deep breath I took out my knife. It was time.  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream  
  
But now I have some clarity  
  
To show you what I mean  
  
I don't know how I got this way  
  
I'll never be alright  
  
So I'm  
  
Breaking the habit  
  
Breaking the habit  
  
Tonight  
  
I made my first cut on my left forearm. It was shallow and not big at all; it wasn't even an inch long. I watched the blood for a moment, the way it seeped out through my skin. Someone knocking on my door startled me out of my reverie. They wanted to know if I was alright. I told them I was finishing up some work and than going to bed early. I guess the answer was acceptable, because nobody bothered me after that. True to my word, I set to work. I had cleared one wall of my room. There was nothing on it or in front of it. Slipping the dagger into my belt I dipped my pointer finger into my blood and touched it to the wall, drawing a single line down. I. That was one down. Soon I had four cuts on my arm, each slightly bigger than the last, and a word to match each. When I was done my wall read 'I love you Harry' in my blood. That wasn't enough. Something else.Ah, yes. Seven more cuts and seven more words. "I'm so sorry, Harry. Please forgive me." I'm feeling a little faint now. Maybe it's blood loss. The cuts are bleeding pretty badly now. That's fine, though. They're supposed to do that. It's all part of my plan. I'm almost done. Seven more cuts and it will me. Seven more words and it can all end. "Don't ever forget me, Harry. Love, Draco." Draco. That was the biggest cut of all. It stretched across my entire forearm. I was really feeling faint now. Black spots were starting to dance in front of me. I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. That was the last thing I remember. Than everything went black. I did what I wanted-my secret was written in blood on the wall. I'll never love or hate or fight again. I would never hurt Harry again. Dying alone-this is how it ends. I broke the habit tonight. 


End file.
